Fear of Light
by chemicaljane
Summary: Today was the day I was going to be looking death straight in the eye. I wasn’t going to lose my nerve or be overcome with fright...My heart would stop beating and a new life with Edward would begin." Bella's last days as human. Post-Eclipse.LEMON BxE RxR
1. the evening before

**AN: my version of Bella's changing. Edward and Bella live just outside Forks and are married. **

**For my last story 'Just For Tonight' more people favourited it than wrote a review. Just sayin'. PLEASE REVIEW. **

ONE

_Today was the day I was going to be looking death straight in the eye. I wasn't going to lose my nerve or be overcome with fright. I had faced danger, in the form of Volturi member Jane, who had kidnapped Edward on our wedding night, and both of us had survived intact. On that night I had been everything I wanted myself to be: strong, powerful, and confident. I was already changing and now this was the final piece of the puzzle. I wasn't going to look back. My heart would stop beating and a new life with Edward would begin. _

7:36pm One Night Prior to Bella's Changing

It was at times like this that Edward should be thankful he couldn't hear my thoughts. Tonight it was like a million voices chattering in my head, all desperate to be heard, talking over each other impatiently. I knew it had to happen sometime. I had been so calm and almost eager for my 'change' but now the full force of my nerves was making itself apparent. My changing was going to happen tomorrow. I had said goodbye to my past because I knew I could never see anyone ever again but now every face I had ever known was haunting me, reminding me of a life that had existed before Edward. _As if there was such a thing._ Renee, Charlie, Angela, Mike, Jessica, Lauren…some faces I cherished…others not so much. But whether it was love or hatred those faces inspired, it was still saying goodbye to my human life forever. The only existence on this earth I had ever known. Would I even survive my transformation? What if I didn't live through it? The pain might be too much for my flimsy human body and I could slip away into an unconscious slumber never to see Edward again…

I didn't want him to know how I was feeling right now. I was asking so much of him to change me and loading him with guilt, which I knew he would feel if he knew how anxious I was, seemed so unfair. He deserved more than that. He had to see I wasn't weak, that I could be brave. Hiding this truth from him was going to be act of kindness.

I was only married a week and already the secrets and lies were creeping into our marriage. I was making everything wrong. As usual. I remembered when Edward had been worried about my changing. I was able to convince him otherwise in what had turned into the most exhilarating, intoxicating night of my life. Maybe there was a slim chance I could turn this around too?

I looked down and saw that my fork was hovering in mid air, halfway towards my mouth. How long had I been holding my fork like this? It could have been hours or days, I really had no idea. We were in a hushed corner of an expensive restaurant and Edward was staring at me.

"Um, Bella, are you okay?" he asked nervously.

I looked at him and tried to think of some witty reply about being dazzled by him. Unfortunately my mind was too busy whirring and clicking with all of my thoughts to think of a coherent sentence. A silence stretched out between us to fill in the gap. I shuffled uncomfortably in my seat.

"Bella?" He frowned in concern. The restaurant was sparsely lit with candles and soft lighting that bathed Edward in a warm orange glow. The light picked out the copper colour shimmering in his hair and the golden flecks in his pale amber eyes. He fixed his gaze upon me, waiting for an answer.

"Oh, fine, fine, really, I just spaced out for moment, that's all," I apologised, stabbing at the salad leaves on my plate with my silver fork.

"I'm not sure that you are…okay, I mean. You looked worried, then scared, then ponderous then almost happy and then I'm not sure what," he said, quite puzzled.

"Of course I'm fine, Edward, why wouldn't I be?" I said attempting to sound casual. It wasn't fooling him no matter how good an actress I thought I was.

"You are changing tomorrow, I would expect you to feel a little nervous," he said quietly, staring at his glass of water. He stroked the side of glass with one finger, creating a line that cut through the mist of condensation on the glass. He was avoiding my eyes. He seemed almost slightly fearful of what I might say.

This was my chance to tell him the truth. I wanted to tell him because I knew he would be understanding. There was also a chance he would be too understanding and call the whole thing off. I bit my lip to prevent any words straying from my mouth.

The same awkward silence returned. The sound of laughter and voices surrounding us seemed like a dull hum in the background, the happy atmosphere was lost on us. Edward tapped his glass of water repeatedly, drumming a little beat, stealing a glance at me whenever he thought I wasn't looking. I knew he was dying to ask me what I was thinking but he was resisting against his instinct, waiting for a moment when I might give an honest answer. I just couldn't answer him. What could I say? It was like Alice said; I worry too much. But what was I worried about? I wasn't even able to answer that myself. My fork scraped loudly against the china plate as I continued eating my starter salad. Where had our carefree days gone? It hadn't always been this way…


	2. morning glow

8.45am Three Days Prior to Bella's Changing

I came out the shower and I glanced at the clothes in my wardrobe. Carlisle was coming and I wanted to look smart for my father-in-law. _My father-in-law_. What an odd statement. I still couldn't believe I was married. I rifled through the hangers and picked out a short sleeved red top. For some odd reason I had imagined that my changing would be a bloodbath. But, of course, that didn't make any sense. There wouldn't be any kind of feeding frenzy or attack with blood splattering the walls. It was going to be civilised affair and Dr. Carlisle would be a reassuring presence. He was coming here today to discuss the procedure with us and go through the details.

I changed my clothes three times before deciding on jade coloured long skirt and pale yellow top with a tie at the side. I ran a comb through my hair and went downstairs.

Edward stood in the kitchen pouring a glass of orange juice. There were croissants, little jars of jam and knobs of butter curled up on a plate. A piece of toast popped up which Edward caught gracefully and landed on a white bone china plate.

"You're making me breakfast? It's nice to see that I've got you well trained," I grinned as I sat at the breakfast bar, watching him busy himself with making my breakfast.

"It's the least I can do for my beautiful wife," he said happily.

"Your _soon-to-be_ beautiful wife," I corrected him.

Edward set down the plate of toast and a glass of orange juice. He was close enough for me smell his scent. I leaned closer in, careful not to be too obvious about it, and inhaled deeply. He smelt more delicious than any breakfast he could make. He took the opportunity to stroke the side of my face with his cool fingers and fixed his amber eyes on me. I was hypnotised – the prey in awe of the predator.

"You're beautiful," he said as he leaned across the counter to kiss my forehead. I couldn't even move or begin to respond. All I felt were his lips moving against my skin. "You're beautiful," he said, walking around the counter and lifting me into his arms. "You're beautiful" he said, setting me into his lap as he sat down on the stool. "You're beautiful" he repeated, kissing every uncovered part of my body.

"I think I believe you," I laughed, ruffling his hair and leaning into his chest with a piece of toast in my hand. Edward smiled after he finally finished kissing my left hand and wrist. I could only marvel at how easily his smile could win me over. He held me in his arms while I ate my breakfast. This moment of quiet serenity of interrupted by the telephone ringing. Damn.

"I'll get it," said Edward, setting me down and walking towards the hallway. I drained my glass of orange juice and put my plate in the sink. I was about to start washing when Edward called me.

"It's Alice; she wants to speak to you,"

I walked into the hallway as Edward handed me the receiver. I looked at him to see if I could judge the seriousness of the call. His non-plussed expression told me there was no major disaster on the way. For once.

"Hi Alice,"

"Hey there, honeymooner, how's life as a Cullen?"

"Very pleasant so far, although I'm not a fully initiated Cullen am I?"

"Bella, all in good time, and I've made sure everything will be fine, even the weather will be nice, I've picked the perfect day for you,"

"Thanks, Alice. For everything. You've done so much for me and I want to you to know that I'm grateful,"

"Whoa, you sounded almost serious there for a minute,"

"Ha ha. So how is everyone? Has Carlisle left the house?"

"Yeah, he'll be arriving at your front door in approximately 10 minutes time. Everyone else is fine. We would have come too if we hadn't been barred from visiting you,"

I laughed. "You haven't been barred, Alice. We just wanted a little privacy. We've had so much drama recently. I just want us to act like a 'normal' wedded couple…"

"Okay, okay, jeez, I'm just teasing you."

"Well, it's a pity Esme hasn't come with Carlisle, I would have liked to have seen her,"

"Oh, don't worry, you'll see her soon enough,"

"Huh? How soon?" I had specifically told Carlisle earlier that I didn't want an audience of Cullens watching my transformation. It felt like a personal thing and I didn't want to share that with everybody; I would feel embarrassed to be seen in such a vulnerable state. Only Edward and Carlisle would be present.

"Oh, um…you know, whenever. The crystal ball's a little misty right now" she laughed musically. I didn't miss that there was something odd in the way she laughed; it sounded slightly forced, as if she had said too much and needed to cover her tracks. My instinct told me she knew something that she wasn't letting on.

"Are you sure everything will be fine? I mean, the Volturi have gone but who knows what could happen? Don't forget I'm Bella Cullen; danger magnet extraordinaire,"

"Everything will be just fine, stop worrying,"

"I can handle the truth whatever it is, I don't need protecting,"

I heard her sigh heavily.

"You worry too much. Carlisle is pulling up the driveway now, take care of yourself and give my love to Edward. We all miss both of you and can't wait to see you soon, bye,"

I heard the receiver click as she abruptly hung up the phone. I twisted the phone cord around my finger as I pondered over her words. Did I really worry so much? It's not as if I didn't have any reason not to. I looked towards Edward who was in the kitchen busying himself with washing the dishes with the radio on. Alice said everything would be fine but why was she so quick to get off the phone? If Carlisle had pulled up onto our driveway why hadn't the doorbell rang yet? I walked into the kitchen as stealthily as I could, creeping up behind Edward to put my arms around him. I could feel every muscle through his blue shirt as I pressed against him. My worries melted away in an instant.

"How's Alice?"

"She sends her love from everyone,"

"That's nice to know. Are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah, it's just nice to catch up with Alice, you know?"

The doorbell rang. I answered the door while Edward finished up with the dishes. Seeing Carlisle in the doorway almost took my breath away. I don't know why his unnatural beauty took me so off guard – I should be used to it by now – but it did. I hid my reaction by throwing my arms wildly around him and hugging him tight.

"Bella!" He laughed my name in surprise.

I released him at once - this was a little more informal than he was used to, especially around humans. He held me gently by the shoulders, a beaming smile on his face.

"It's just really good to see you," I said, feeling quite foolish. The warmth of his smile was so infectious; I couldn't help beaming back at him. He looked towards Edward who had now joined us.

"Hello," Edward said softly.

Carlisle didn't say anything except walk towards him, ready to embrace him. They hugged briefly but the look they exchanged was one that can only be shared by a father and son; that intense bond that only family members can have with one another. I thought of my own father and wiped a stray tear from my eye.

"Let's go the living room, shall we?" said Edward. He pulled me to his side and kissed me tenderly on my tear stained cheek. It was at times like this that I knew that Edward's love held me together. I could have cried right there and then but I held it in. An emotional sobbing wreck is not the best impression to give your father-in-law.


	3. apple of temptation

**AN: As you may have noticed I've changed the name of the story because someone else has the same title and they chose it first. That'll teach me to crib my titles off song lyrics! I like this title though. It'll make more sense when I post future chapters. Warning for this chapter - it has an M rated scene. **

**PLEASE REVIEW! **

**So far this story seems to be going down like a lead balloon and I would like feedback. ****Whether you love it or hate it, just tell me about it!**

8.19pm One Night Prior to Bella's changing

The lights were off as I sat brooding in the kitchen. My buttoned up shirt collar was making me feel claustrophobic, like I couldn't breathe. Not that breathing was an essential part of my being anyway. I tugged at the top button on my shirt. Tonight had not gone as planned. In fact, it had been a disaster. Although it would not have been apparent to any casual spectator. After all there had been no argument, no bickering, no look of quiet seething as we sat opposite each other. But that had been _exactly_ the problem. There had been no reaction at all. Every word spoken by Bella had been measured and precise, careful not to give anything resembling the truth away. I had sat there with my glass of water watching Bella eat, like a prison officer giving a death row inmate their last meal. A sinking feeling settled in the pit of my stomach when I realised that my role was more akin to the executioner than the prison officer. How could it be that our marriage was crumbling so quickly and with such apparent ease when we had already gone through so much worse?

I absentmindedly reached for the bowl of fruit on the counter and picked up an apple. In the darkness, I could just about see the colour. Here I was skulking in the shadows when I should be making things right. If I was going to make Bella tell the truth then I had to be truthful with myself first. I was sitting here because I didn't know what to do and like the coward I was, I couldn't face not being in control or how to react to a person whose mind I couldn't read. This was my own ugly truth. If Bella ever saw this side of me she wouldn't be so quick to judge me beautiful.

I examined the apple in my hand. It was a very pale shade of green, almost cream coloured. I wondered what it would taste like, I could barely remember from my days as a human. My memories were tiny echoes of the past; trying to tell me a story I couldn't remember. I hoped Bella wouldn't forget her former life like I had.

The taste of an apple must be an exquisite thing. I had seen her eat one many a time and the fizz of that first bite was most appealing. I supposed to her it smelt so fresh and clean. My senses were blunted to its sweet aroma and taste. I held the apple to my mouth in anticipation. I knew what it would taste like if I bit into it; the extreme sourness would hit the back of my throat and I would feel compelled to spit it out. I closed my eyes and opened my mouth slightly, my lips feeling the surface of the apple skin.

That sweet and innocent taste…so fresh and clean was no longer contained within the apple. That sweet taste now had a pulse and belonged to a living breathing being and I yearned for it. My defences knew how to resist now. I could control my desire but now I had to break that defence that I had kept so religiously for so long. I lowered the apple from my lips and turned it over in my hands. A bright flash of deep red streaked on one side of the apple was all it took to remind me of the first time I saw Bella blush. I had caught her looking at me from the other side of the high school cafeteria.

Sweet poison filled my mouth and I swallowed it down in revulsion. I quickly sank my teeth into the firm flesh of the apple just to spite my vampiric desires. There was a satisfying crunch to my bite. I let the familiar sour tang wash in my mouth before spitting the chewed up remnants into the bin. I threw the bitten apple into the bin, to hide the evidence. I didn't want her to think I was crazy. Suddenly the lights flickered on. I flinched in response. I hadn't noticed the gentle footfalls of Bella entering the room.

"Edward, what are you doing?" She said, her eyes burning with curiosity. She looked from me to the bin then rested her eyes back to me again.

"Nothing, I, erm, just had a memory relapse. Forgot I was a vampire," I joked. She stared at me in amazement. She knew what she had seen.

"Does that happen often? you…forgetting you're a vampire?" Bella was humouring me.

"Not too often. You lose memories when you change, it's something I couldn't really control," I wasn't joking anymore. The atmosphere in the kitchen was weighed down by the melancholy in my voice.

"Oh, Edward," She walked towards me with her arms held out to embrace me. I stood up and clutched her tightly in my arms. The past, present and future was erased from my mind. Nothing existed except the girl in my arms. After a long moment she spoke.

"I'm sorry about tonight, I'm sorry that I haven't been honest with you like I should have been.

"Don't say that. I can't stand you apologising when I've been doing exactly the same. Shutting you out when I need you most. Why is it that we're married and yet we can't be honest to each other?"

"A marriage certificate to say we're married doesn't do anything. It's just a piece of paper. I'm afraid we have to do the hard work," she sighed.

"That's true," I murmured into her hair, her head resting on my chest. "So what are afraid of?"

"What?"

"I can feel your heart pounding into my chest, and I could sense it before. It's okay, you can tell me,"

"Okay, but if I tell you it can't change anything. You promise?"

"I promise,"

"I'm scared. Scared of changing. I still want to more than anything but it still scares me. I wanted to tell you before but I was worried you'd call the whole thing off,"

I cupped my hands on both sides of her face. I finally understood that these were words that were supposed to fill in all those cavernous silences we had endured earlier this evening.

"Bella, I would never take anything you wanted away from you, I've learnt my lesson now, and your happiness is paramount,"

She gripped the side of my hand and kissed my palm with her soft lips.

"Thank you, Edward. Now it's your turn. What are you afraid of?" she asked.

"Changing you. I want to be the one who changes you but I've denied myself blood, human blood for so long and now I have to give in to every dark thought that I've suppressed in my mind,"

"You'll still be Edward, you won't turn into some bloodthirsty monster,"

"But I already am a bloodthirsty monster," I smirked.

"No, Edward, you're not," she chided me. "You have the principles that any mere mortal would be envious of,"

"If you say so,"

"Well, I do,"

I clutched her tightly in arms once again. I looked down and noticed the back of her dress of half unzipped.

"Didn't quite finish changing, Bella?"

"Oh, the zip got stuck and I needed your assistance,"

"I'm more than happy to offer my services," I said stroking my hand down her back and pulling the zip down in one swift movement.

I pulled away from our embrace and looked at Bella. Her dress was a metallic slate grey which shimmered in the light. The dark grey colouring contrasted perfectly against her pale white skin and brought out the darkness of her deep brown eyes. She had never looked more beautiful.

"Something tells me it wasn't your first time doing that?" she grinned at me.

"Undressing beautiful women – or rather one extremely beautiful woman – is a speciality of mine,"

"Well, I think you need more practice,"

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, and I'm more than happy to offer my services,"

With a simple shrug of her shoulders the dress fell to the floor. The boldness of this act took me by surprise and I could only stare awestruck with desire, at her naked form.

"Maybe we can practice another time? I have other matters to attend to right now. Urgently in fact,"

"Of course," she smiled coyly. I think she was beginning to understand how much of an affect she had on me.

In the span of three heartbeats, I had taken her in my arms and whisked her away upstairs to the bedroom. All inhibitions were abandoned as she frantically tugged at my shirt and trouser belt as I lay her down on the bed. Her warm naked body felt so fragile against me and yet she offered it to me without a moment's hesitation. I was powerless to resist such an invitation and eagerly kissed every part of her body. Her hair smelled like strawberries and her skin felt soft to my touch. She pulled at the scruff of my neck, drawing me closer to her for a passionate kiss. My shirt lay in tatters next to the bed. I kicked off my trousers and hitched her legs up around my waist.

We were both moving so fast, my brain could only string together a series of random images in my mind to make sense of it all; full red lips, mussed up hair, the curve of her collarbone, her arm reaching around my body, the feel of her breasts pressing against my torso, a glimmering sheen of sweat on her skin, her cries of abandoned pleasure. I wasn't sure how long I could last before I would succumb to the intense ecstasy my body was aching for. I wanted Bella to be satisfied, that was always my first priority.

I slowed down and tried to keep each stroke as measured as I could but Bella frowned in discontentment. She didn't want me to be gentle. Or at least not _as_ gentle as I was currently being. We were going to behave wickedly tonight.

I planted feverish kisses and held her wrists above her head as I rocked inside her with more force. Bella was panting heavily now but she made the effort to smile at me. I loosened her arms to let them roam freely over my body. We were completely entangled in each other in both body and mind. She grabbed my neck and yanked me towards her, hungrily kissing my mouth. We weren't making love. This was another word altogether. I smiled mischievously to myself as I imagined Bella saying that word out loud…

Our deep cries shattered the silence. We exchanged each other's names over and over. My whole world revolved around one word consisting of two syllables:

"Bella,"

There was not a purer sound in the whole of human history. I closed my eyes and let my body take its course.

We finally fell apart, panting in exhaustion. As soon as Bella had caught her breath, I held her close to me under the covers. I rolled her on top of me so that I could feel her trembling, fragile body close to me. She curled her limbs around me like a creeping vine.

"Are you okay?" I asked. I needed to make sure she wasn't hurt. We had been rather _energetic_ just now.

"I'm fine," she whispered, lazily brushing her hair away from her shoulders so that it fanned across my chest. I gratefully inhaled her scent.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I love you,"

"I love you too, my love,"

Soon after, her eyelids began to droop and I gently placed her next to me so that she could sleep comfortably. I wanted this moment to be everlasting. Soon every moment would be everlasting…


	4. Taste of you

**AN: a basket of cupcakes to everyone whose reviewed, favourited, been alerted to my story. I hope I'm not letting you guys down. I'm trying to update as quick as I can. DISCLAIMER: I don't own twilight. I forgot to say that before. **

6.08am The Day of Bella's Changing

The morning started with a kiss from Edward. Whilst sleeping, I had rolled over and my eyes naturally flickered towards him. I smiled as he brushed the strands of hair from my face and stroked his thumb along my cheekbone. I leaned towards him for a kiss which he returned. I put my hand against his chest, feeling the curves of muscle beneath his skin. This beautiful statue with golden eyes never failed to take my breath away. He didn't say anything, he didn't need to.

I clumsily scrambled towards him and sat astride his hips, aligning his with mine. There was a sharp intake of breath as I felt his ice cold skin against my thighs. I bent down for a kiss as he placed his hands on the small of my back. I wanted Edward to remember the touch and feel of my human self. Truthfully, I wanted to remember his touch and feel on my skin, the spark between us of fire and ice melting together. He released me from our lingering kiss and I sat up straight. I ran my fingers through my hair and held it loosely in a ponytail exposing my neck.

"Feeling peckish? We can always start early?"

"No, I like to play with my food first,"

His eyes glittered with mischief. How easily we could joke about my impending death and transformation. My heart thumped erratically, reminding me of my nerves. Edward's hand was straight to my chest feeling my heart beat.

"I'm not scared," I insisted, cursing my heart out for such treachery.

"I know, my love," he whispered, replacing his hand back to my waist.

I stroked his chest, unashamedly admiring his body. I blushed deeply as I thought about last night. The same urgency that coursed through my veins last night was flowing through me once again. I wanted Edward right now. I steadied myself, placing my hands on his chest. I didn't have to worry about hurting him by resting my weight on his firm body. He held me with perfect ease, staring intently into my eyes. He knew what I wanted and he was ready to give himself to me. I wanted to make this moment last, no rushing this time.

I wanted to enjoy the coolness of his body, that coolness I felt inside of me that made me tingle all over every time our bodied connected. I carefully, slowly enclosed myself around him, moaning breathlessly as the sweltering heat between my thighs encountered the wintry chill of his body. I began to gyrate my hips back and forth against him. I imagined we were two seasons, winter and summer colliding together in a loving embrace, feeling each other for the first time. Not that this was our first time, but it always felt new and exciting with Edward. His golden gaze never turned away from me. He as entranced by me as I was by him.

I teased him with the pace of my grinding, building up a quick rhythm and then stopping suddenly, and watched him groan in anguished delight. I loved hearing his reactions. My hair fell forward obscuring part of my face as I leaned towards him, trying to focus on my breathing that was rapidly increasing.

"I like it when you put your hair up," he commanded me in a low, husky voice.

I slowed my pace so that I could catch my breath to speak.

"I like it when you beg,"

"Please, Bella?" he purred seductively.

I couldn't resist him when he used that tone of voice. He could be so unfair sometimes. I wanted to be the one in control. I guided his hands to hold me underneath my hips and keep up the rhythm of my body. I straightened my spine and held my arms above my head which were bent at the elbows, my hands on the back of my neck holding up my hair. I arched my back slightly, puffing out my chest. My upper body remained taut as I held the pose like a mannequin. I looked down upon Edward and gave him a haughty stare as if I was some Lady of the Manor. His eyes darkened in desire.

I was letting him control my movement but I still had a power over him. His expression was one of excruciatingly sweet torture. He was biting his lower lip, trying to hold in a twisted half smile. I could tell that I was pushing him to the very edge. I finally relaxed from my mannequin pose and leaned in for a kiss. I took over the movement of my hips from Edward and let him stroke my face and shoulder with a free hand. His loving touch made me quiver with delight. I definitely wanted to the make the most of this before everything changed for good. The early morning light peeped through the curtains as we stole an hour of time.

**8.45am The Day of Bella's Changing**

_Today was the day I was going to be looking death straight in the eye. In this strange pact I had made with fate, I had traded death for eternal life. Now Bella was ready to make that same bargain with her life to become my eternal companion. She had already begun to change before my eyes. She was ready to leave her human life behind her. And I was the one who was going to stop her heartbeat forever. _

I couldn't stop fussing over her as she sat in the kitchen eating chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream – she wanted to eat ice cream as a final meal, apparently to acclimatise herself to a vampire's freezing body temperature. I poured her an orange juice and brought out some croissants in case she wanted something else. Carlisle was going to arrive in fifteen minutes. I had cleaned our bedroom and changed the sheets.

Our bedroom had been chosen as the place Bella would rest in for the next few days. She wanted to use the guest bedroom in case she messed our bedroom up but I wouldn't hear of such nonsense. I anxiously checked my watch as I paced the kitchen. _8.46am_. I pushed the plate of croissants towards Bella. She licked her spoon before speaking.

"Edward, would you sit down for a moment? You're making me nervous," she pointed her spoon at me in an accusatory manner.

"Bella, I'm sorry, it's just that he's going to be early, the traffic is quiet today,"

"Who is…oh, I see," she said.

The doorbell rang and I ran to the door. Carlisle stepped into the house. He had his medical bag in one hand which he left in the hallway as I led him to the kitchen. Bella jumped off her stool and smoothed out the creases in her pyjamas.

"Carlisle!"

She looked like she was holding herself back from hugging Carlisle, her cheeks flushed in embarrassment at being seen in her pyjamas. Had she forgotten that he was a doctor who was used to seeing random people walking around in pyjamas and night gowns? I laughed silently to myself.

"Don't let me interrupt, Bella, I still need time to set up,"

Bella still had her spoon in her hand and Carlisle and I watched as spoonful of ice cream slopped to floor.

"Thanks Carlisle," she said, returning to her stool and tub of ice cream.

"Let me show you to the room," I said, as I led him upstairs. I wanted to speak with him alone.

Carlisle opened his medical bag and began setting up his equipment on the table. The strong, unpleasant odour of medical paraphernalia hit my nostrils with the force of a battering ram. He laid out a neat row of packeted syringes and a tiny bottle of morphine. He had a pair of gloves, sterilising kit, and bandages.

"Did Alice say anything to you? Anything we should know?" I asked nervously.

"Yes, she did," I looked at him in alarm. "She wants you to know that we all love you,"

"…that's it?"

Carlisle smiled a fatherly smile at me. "That's it," he said, closing his medical bag with a loud click.

**9.45am**

The procedure was going to start early. I thought there was something quite morbid about being bitten in the dead of night. The bright morning light streamed through the large windows, highlighting the dust particles that danced in its wake. Bella lay on the bed while Carlisle did a quick check up. I leaned against the doorframe, watching.

"Everything seems to be in order," he smiled at Bella. He got up and turned to me.

"I'll give you a few moments alone, call me after you've bitten her, that's when I'll be applying the first dose of morphine," he closed the door behind him. If I had a heart, it would have been beating out of my chest by now. I was filled with a nervous energy, the vampire in me sensing the blood in the air was for the taking. I walked slowly and purposefully towards her.

I knelt by her bed and brushed her hair away to expose her neck. She obediently turned her face away from me. She stared at the ceiling, totally impassive to what was about to happen. I was starting to feel like a monster once again. I couldn't let our final moments end like this. I tilted her face in my direction and crushed my lips against hers. Her eyes opened wide in surprise but then she began move her lips with mine and raked her fingers through my hair. When we stopped, she was gasping for air.

"Just so you know, that wasn't a 'goodbye kiss', that was my 'I love you' kiss," I smiled at her.

"I know," she said, blinking back the tears that were forming in her eyes. "But that would be one hell of a way to say goodbye," she laughed through her tears. "I love you,"

"And I love you, my precious Bella. Your love keeps me alive, right here" I pointed towards my still heart. She reached out her hand and I held it to my chest, our fingers entwined. We gazed into each other's eyes for a long while.

"It's time." she said, drawing her hand back to her side. I reluctantly let go of her.

She turned her face away me and bared her neck once more. I could smell the blood racing through her veins. I leaned down with my mouth shut until my lips were grazing her skin. I didn't want to enjoy this at all. I wouldn't linger over her; I would be fast and efficient like a surgeon's knife. I could still remember the diagram of veins and arteries in the neck from my copy of Gray's Anatomy from my med school days.

The vein I was aiming for was just beneath the surface of the skin and I could feel its pulse beating on my lips. My knees almost buckled as I realised what I was about to do. Bella's heartbeat was drumming into my ears and I had to squeeze my eyes shut to concentrate my mind. I parted my lips, the venom filling my mouth in anticipation and sank my razor sharp teeth into her flesh.

I felt her suddenly grasp my hand tightly, twisting it in hers as she fought the pain. I let my hand remain limp and lifeless, glad that she able to take her pain out on me. I had only made a tiny incision but the blood pumped furiously into my mouth forcing me to swallow every last drop. Tasting her made the hairs on the back of neck stand up straight. She tasted like pure honey; so sweet, so warm and every bit as inviting as her delicious scent.

My brain told me that I should pull away right this instant before I drained away all her blood. The vampire in me wanted to stay a moment longer; she wouldn't be hurt if I stayed just a few more minutes. I opened my eyes and forced myself to look at Bella, to remind myself why I was doing this. She had let go of my hand. I could see she was in agony. She needed Carlisle.


	5. blood and fire

**AN: This chapter's a bit emotional. Get your hankies out!**

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**10.20am**

The last thing I felt was Edward's cool lips on my neck. He was so gentle and delicate; he could have been giving me a kiss. Instead, his lips had ignited a fire that was burning through my veins, my blood carrying the ignition like a lit trail of gasoline. I wanted to scream but the pain was paralysing. I could only lay there helplessly while my body was being ransacked by this intruding poison. The venom was quickly feeling its way through every internal organ, muscle, tissue and bone.

It made its way into my chest and my heart burst into flames. I writhed in silent agony. The room swam out of focus. The bright light streaming through the window threatened to cloud over my vision with a blinding white light. My heart pumped harder to fight the venom but it only succeeded in rushing it through my veins even faster, like a runaway train.

It was only natural that my body would try to fight for its survival but I knew I had to surrender myself to the pain if I was to see my life with Edward continue. I tried to mentally focus on Edward but for some reason I couldn't hold a clear image of him in my head. Each time I tried to remember his face, the image would wash clean away into nothingness.

New images sprung up into view. I could see my parents and friends at my wedding, all smiling fondly at me. Then I saw a face that hadn't been present at my wedding. Jacob. He was standing tall, his deep brown eyes gazing lovingly at me. I saw a group of dark haired children running into the forest with Jacob and me laughing and chasing after them. My survival instinct was willing me to remember, willing me to choose the hopes and dreams that came with my human life instead of this poison that was claiming me. But my decision had already been made. A new kind of pain began to tear my heart apart. I needed to see Edward. I turned my face to look at him. He wasn't there.

"It's going to be all right, Bella, I'm administering the first dose of morphine, it should help take the pain away," Carlisle said, tapping his finger against the barrel of the needle which was filled with an opaque fluid. He rubbed alcohol onto my skin and I felt the pin sharp push of metal into my skin.

Within minutes, a calming warmth started to spread across my chest, numbing the intensity of my pain as it felt its way slowly around my body. The pain was there but it seemed remote, a tiny speck in the distance. I relaxed my muscles and let the warmth take over. I could see clearly now. Carlisle had moved away from my bedside and Edward was sat next to me, wiping my brow gently with a damp flannel cloth. He wore a concerned expression on his handsome face.

"Hey there, gorgeous," I said in a small childlike voice. I was surprised by how much effort I had to put in just to speak.

"Hey," he replied quietly. "How are you feeling?"

"Surprisingly okay, I think someone turned down the volume button on the pain. I can feel it's there but it doesn't hurt anymore,"

"That would be Carlisle responsible for the morphine injection; he came as soon as I called him,"

"Tell him thanks," I tried to move my hands but my limbs felt heavy. Edward saw my intention and clasped my hand, bringing it to his lips for a kiss. His ice cold touch was most welcome after the searing pain.

"Is there anything you want? I'm at your service," he said in a rich velvety tone.

"hmmm…yes, there is something,"

"What?"

"I want you to read me poetry,"

"Poetry?"

"Yes,"

"Okay then, if my Bella wants poetry then she shall have poetry. Any particular author you have in mind?"

"Oh, any, I'm not fussy. I know you like Shakespeare so you can read that,"

"Okay," he disappeared from my bedside and in a second he was back with a stack of books under his arm, his bronze hair windswept from the speed at which he flew out the room.

"Would you like me to read in any particular accent?"

"An English accent for Shakespeare please, if that's not too much trouble,"

"None at all,"

He opened a small book of sonnets by Shakespeare and in a faultless English accent began reading aloud.

"_Being your slave, what should I do but tend_

_Upon the hours and times of your desire?_

_I have no precious time at all to spend,_

_Nor service to do, till you require…"_

Under normal circumstances, I would have been a captive audience for Edward's rendition of Shakespeare's sonnets but as it was, I soon fell asleep to the soothing sound of voice.

**12.48pm**

Bella looked so peaceful when she was asleep, she could be an angel reclining on a bed of fluffy white clouds. I wanted her to spend the next three days like this but it was not going to be possible. Carlisle said that regular doses of morphine could cause her respiration to decrease to a dangerously low level and it was possible that she could overdose. He didn't know what would happen if she 'died' while still in the process of changing and he didn't want to risk it. It was a decision that Bella and I had made before the transformation. If only she could pour all her suffering into me, I gladly would have been the bearer of her pain. Her eyelids fluttered open as she stirred awake.

"Hey there, sleepyhead,"

"Did I fall asleep? Wow, this morphine is good stuff,"

"You dozed off a little; Carlisle told me the morphine would make you drowsy,"

"Carlisle's so clever,"

"Yeah, he is, one of the best in fact,"

"Why aren't you reading?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, my love. Christina Rossetti good for you?"

"Yes,"

I picked up the book and opened it at a random page. I automatically began reading the first poem I saw.

"_What would I give for a heart of flesh to warm me through,"_

The words immediately caught in my throat. I pretended to clear my throat then proceeded onto the next lines.

"_Instead of this heart of stone ice-cold whatever I do;_

_Hard and cold and small, of all hearts the worst of all,"_

I couldn't believe my eyes. I blinked a few times, as if the words on the page were some kind of trick. It was like the poem was speaking to me, repeating back to me my own feelings. I looked at Bella but she didn't seem to be aware, she seemed content just to hear my voice. I carried on reading to the end of the poem.

"_What would I give for tears, not smiles but scalding tears,_

_To wash the black mark clean, and to thaw the frost of years,_

_To wash the stain ingrain, and to make me clean again,"_

Bella's eyes started to roll back as her muscles tensed in spasms. The morphine was wearing off. I called Carlisle who was at my side in a flash. He injected her with another dose of morphine. I watched the rise and fall of her chest as her breathing pattern became shallow and irregular. This was the final dose of morphine. Any more and her heart would stop.

I stayed by her as the pain inside her subsided for one last time. The poem recited itself in my head over and over. _What would I give for tears…To wash the black mark clean… to make me clean again. _The guilt of everything I was taking away from her sat in the pit of my stomach as I watched her. She had told me countless times that this is what she wanted but it wouldn't stop the guilt I felt no matter how much she tried to convince me otherwise.

She wouldn't have a normal life anymore; she wouldn't have any children to call her own. My venom was taking everything away from her. _What would I give for tears…To wash the black mark clean… to make me clean again. _I wished I could cry so I could drain away all the guilt that was festering inside me. I needed forgiveness and understanding but from whom?

I could remember the first time I had cried. I had been a small boy, only five or six years old, when I fell down while playing with the children next door. I had grazed my knee and had run indoors looking for my mother. My face was soaked in tears and my mother had to sit me down while she cleaned the wound. She dried my tears with her apron and then held me close to her chest, stroking my face until I stopped crying. I remember the feeling of peace in my mother's arms.

Bella's weary eyes started to close as she drifted into dreamless slumber. I bent over to kiss her brow. A fresh wave of guilt came over me as I looked into her face. She looked so small and vulnerable. I wanted to hold her in my arms but I didn't want to disturb her as she was falling asleep.

The weight in my stomach sank deeper into the ground. I had to get out of here. I rushed out the room with lightning speed, flying down the stairs until I got to the living room. I stopped in my tracks as I saw someone sitting there quietly with their hands in their lap. I began to shake uncontrollably. She reached out her arms to me, her eyes full of compassion and understanding.

"Mother,"

"I'm here, Edward,"

I approached Esme and knelt in front of her, bowing my head into her lap. She enclosed her arms around me as I cried. I cried with the force of someone being sick. No tears ran down my cheeks but still I cried and cried until my throat was sore. I clung onto Esme as if the world was ending and she held me, not saying a word. The weight in my stomach that had been pulling me down was now melting away. The love and understanding that radiated from Esme flowed through me, healing me inside out. She kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair. She didn't want me to hurt anymore. I don't know how long we stayed like this but when we finally released each other I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

I got up and sat beside her while she held my hand.

"How did you know to come here?" I asked.

"Well, a little bird told me you might need some support," she replied, smiling.

"Alice?"

"Yes. I hope that's okay, Edward?"

"Yes, of course it is,"

I would need to buy Alice another Ferrari for this favour but something told me she wouldn't accept it. When you look out for your family members you don't expect anything in return. You just do it because you love them. I was lucky to be a part of this family. If I was bringing Bella into the world of vampires then I couldn't have wished for a better family for her to become a part of.


	6. open your eyes

**AN: ****this chapter was supposed to be longer but I got really stuck so I'm posting what I have. It still works as a chapter. I really want people to keep reading my fic after Breaking Dawn is released. I thought I could finish before the release date but I don't think I can. Please don't abandon me! Lots of Edward/Bella goodness to come!**

**7.09am the third day of Bella's transformation**

My body felt stiff when I finally woke up. I felt groggy, like I wasn't ready to get up yet. I lay in bed and rubbed my eyes which were quickly adjusting to the dim light streaming through the cracks of the drawn curtains. My memory of the past few days was extremely hazy. I couldn't remember even going to sleep, a thought which scared me. _What had I done?_

I screwed my eyes shut in concentration but my mind was coming up blank. It was no use trying to make myself remember. If I relaxed it would come to me. I stared at the familiar patterns swirling on the white ceiling.

I blinked and for a second I saw an image of Edward underneath my eyelids. He was moving above me, staring into my eyes and huskily calling out my name. I gasped, startled to see such an intimate moment of us together. I blinked again and another image played for me. Edward was sitting by me, reciting something from a book. I smiled as I remembered. He was reciting poetry in an English accent which I found rather sexy. I licked my lips as if he was already here waiting for me.

Then it dawned on me. I jumped out of bed and ran to the full length mirror on the wall. A girl was looking back me. She was stood in her pink and white pyjamas. From what I could see, her skin was bone white. I could pick out every vein beneath the glittering surface of her skin. She had thick, lustrous, long, deep brown hair which shone when she shook it out fully.

I edged closer to mirror. I was close enough to press my fingers up against the glass to get a better look at this girl. Her face looked no different from what I had remembered but the eyes had been altered. They were a deep shade of crimson with a blackness that was blooming in the centre of the eye like a dark flower slowly unfurling its petals. It sent a shiver down my spine.

I moved closer again. I was close enough to kiss the girl in front of me. Her lips were cherry red and felt as smooth as glass. There was a rosy tint on her cheeks as if the blood had stopped mid-flow to leave a permanent blushed stain. My eyes travelled down to her neck and there was small silvery scar to one side which I traced with one finger.

I wanted to inspect her more thoroughly but my breath misted over my view. There were long spidery cracks emanating from my fingertips which had been pressed up against the glass. My strength had been an unproven thing until now.

I drew back. It didn't make any sense to me. That girl in the mirror was beautiful. But she wasn't me. Why wasn't I beautiful?

I clutched at the emptiness in my chest. My thumping heartbeat was notably absent. It was the oddest sensation. I moved my hand around my chest expecting to feel the soft thud a heartbeat but it simply wasn't there. The last time I felt my heart, it was consumed in burning flames. Now that ache had been lifted clean out of my chest.

An echo from the past spoke to me.

"_Edward Cullen is staring at you,"_

I whipped round and saw Edward staring in the doorway. He was eyeing me cautiously, still as a statue. A heartbreakingly beautiful statue.

"Bella?" he took deliberate one step forward towards me.

I instinctively threw out my arms to stop him from coming any closer.

"Don't touch me!" I cried out.

He held his hands up in surrender as if I was holding him up at gunpoint. I turned my back to him.

"Don't look at me,"

"Why not, Bella? What's wrong?"

"I'm supposed to be beautiful,"

"And you are, Bella, don't you see? That girl in the mirror? She's you. You've always been beautiful, you just never saw it before, you never believed you were, but you are. You are beautiful,"

"No," I said, in disbelief.

"Yes,"

Before I could even turn around to protest, Edward had rushed to the curtains and yanked them apart. The pale morning light streamed in filling the entire room. Edward led me to the centre of the room where the light was at its brightest.

"You are beautiful," he held my arms to the light. I stood in the sunshine and looked down at my arms held in his hands. My skin was sparkling in the light. I looked at his hands and saw they were sparkling in the exact same way. I was human no longer. I was a _vampire_. I felt a thrill just thinking that word.

"Let's go outside," I said, still not quite ready to believe.

I hurried downstairs and out to the back garden. The floor flew from underneath my bare feet and I unexpectedly found myself treading on the moist grass. I stumbled forward from the momentum of speed that I'd built up. I looked at my heels fully expecting to see plumes of smoke. That was insanely fast. Edward put his arm around me, a crooked smile playing at the corners of his lips.

"Whoa there, Bella,"

"I'm a vampire!" I said, dancing on the spot.

"I know!" he laughed, picking me up and spinning me in his arms.

We danced around the garden as I breathed in, picking up the fragrant perfumes of the flowers surrounding us. Even the most fragrant flower paled in comparison to Edward though. I would recognise his heavenly scent anywhere. I looked into Edward's face while we danced and saw pure joy in his face. He seemed lighter, as if the force of gravity wasn't pulling him down in the same way as the rest of us. He could float freely out of my arms on a cloud of happiness. I held him closer to me and snuggled into his chest.

At first I didn't pay attention to the thirst building up in my newly formed body. But I couldn't ignore it any longer. A dry thirst was seizing my throat making me cry out in pain.

"I… I …need water, can't breathe,"

Edward's face changed as he recognised my thirst. He rubbed my back, willing me to breathe.

"Bella, take a deep breath, it's okay, you're not struggling for air anymore,"

"My throat…"

He lightly traced the dark circles underneath my eyes and kissed my forehead.

"I know, my love, let's go,"

He led me out of the garden. We were going hunting.


	7. game on

**A/N: ****I really wish I'd finished this story before breaking dawn came out. I've read it and it's pulled the rug from under my feet. I always like to stick to canon and now my story is outside canon sigh I have to be such a perfectionist about this stuff. Anyways, I'm gonna finish this story in the way I originally planned it. I won't put major BD spoilers in this story. Hey, anyone catch the '_summer and winter'_ line in the honeymoon scene from BD? Eerily similar to my line in chapter 4. ZOMG I'm psychic! Or Meyer is predictable in her writing! j/k j/k. I also wrote a Juno parody with Bella as Juno ages ago but never finished it cos I started this one. Spooky! I might start that one next but for now, on with the show. **

**REVIEWS make me happy. **

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**7.50am **

The smell of blood made me nauseous. My nose seemed to be extra sensitive in picking up that odious scent of rust and salt whenever I was near it. It would make my stomach churn and I would be running for the nearest bathroom to throw up if I couldn't get away quick enough to avoid the smell.

If you had told me before I met Edward that I would be spending eternity drinking blood I would have laughed in your face and seriously questioned the state of your mental health. And then we wouldn't be friends anymore. And yet here I was, bloody animal corpse in my hand, glugging down on the fresh blood spilling out of its throat as if my life depended on it. And I liked it.

My mouth had started to water before I had even killed my prey. Edward had hunted first to show me how while I crouched amongst the forest brushes. He showed me how to kill; he didn't want any animals to suffer unnecessarily until I learnt how to kill my prey swiftly and without causing distress to the animal.

After I quenched my thirst, I wiped my mouth roughly with the back of my hand and stared at the deer's blank milky eyes. For the first time I understood the sacrifice I had made in trading in my mortal life for that of a vampire. I stroked the light brown fur on it neck, still cradling its head with one hand, lost in my own thoughts.

"How are you feeling now, Bella? We can still hunt if you need more," Edward said sympathetically.

"Are you kidding? This is my fourth one. Anymore and I'll be fit to burst," I smiled weakly.

"Be honest though, Bella. This creeps you out. You don't have to say so, I can tell," he said bowing his head down as if he was ashamed.

I rested the deer's head gently on the ground and rushed to Edward's side. I cradled his face in my hands forcing him to look at me.

"My silly, beautiful, oversensitive vampire. Of course not! I'm just glad I'm not tearing the throat out of some wandering tourist. I was just thinking about the level of control I would need to exert to stop myself from doing that. Do you think I could stop myself in time?"

"You wouldn't get that out of control. I wouldn't let you. I know how much it would upset you if you did that. And there's not much nutrition in wandering tourists anyway," he said, smiling. "Well, not in the ones who don't get much exercise in their daily life,"

"I'll remember that the next time I get the munchies: 'Don't snack on the passing tourists'. I don't want to pack on the weight," I said, making a big show of pinching at the skin on my lean stomach.

Edward's eyes lingered on my abdomen for a moment before his eyes snapped up to my face. Always the polite gentleman.

"How's about we go home? I have a feeling we might be receiving some guests," he said.

"Your family are coming over? When?" I said, panic threaded into my voice.

"You mean, when are _our_ family coming over?" he said, pointedly.

"Yes, yes, but I don't know if I'm ready. I just feel like I'll walk into the room and they'll all burst out laughing at me," I said picturing the scenario unfold in my mind.

"Bella, they loved you as a human and they'll love you as you are now. Plus Emmett will be dying to arm wrestle you and you can't possibly let him down," he said with a hint of humour in his voice.

"Aah, yes Emmett. Suddenly things are looking up," I said, relishing the opportunity to take Emmett down a peg or two for all his teasing.

"Let's go home, champ," he said, pulling me up and walking us out of the forest while I was still dazed with my imaginary future victory over Emmett.

**12.50pm**

In an effort to tidy up the house, I had managed to smash the legs off the coffee table, dent the doorframe leading into the kitchen, shred the bed linen in the guest bedroom when I was trying to make the bed and snapped the handrail from the staircase banister. At least I had an idea of the quiet strength pulsating through my muscles but I didn't really want the house to look like a tornado had hit it. I had mistakenly believed that my clumsiness had vanished for good but obviously not. I sat glumly in the living room trying not to break anything while Edward fixed the handrail.

The doorbell rang and I rushed to the door. I still couldn't get over the feeling of the floor flying underneath my feet. I opened the door and was greeted by a sea of expectant faces all smiling at me. Jasper seemed to be concealing something large behind his back. He caught me staring and smiled sheepishly. I stepped back to let them all through.

"You look amazing, my dear, it's so good to finally see you," said Carlisle sounding rather relieved.

"It's lovely to see you," said Esme, kissing me on cheek.

"Hey Bells, we bought a present," said Alice chirpily.

Jasper held out an expensive looking coffee table. I had to stifle my laugh as I received my gift. My psychic sister-in-law had evidently been aware of my destructive behaviour and was already taking matters in hand to help me rebuild my home. I wasn't ungrateful but I was slightly annoyed that my clumsiness was being broadcast loud and clear on 'Alice airwaves'. We walked through to the lounge where everyone sat down. The attention turned to Edward and another chorus of greetings began as he came in to join us.

I didn't notice that Alice had a medium sized box in her hand with a label 'handle with care' written vertically along one edge in bright red. She pulled me aside and whispered into my ear.

"Here's a gift from me, please be careful with it, Bella, it's a 1930s Tiffany piece."

"If it's so fragile, Alice, then why are you giving it to me?" I questioned, raising one eyebrow.

"Because…it's a nice addition to your house, and you know how I like to give you nice things," she said, innocently fluttering her long eyelashes at me in a way I found suspicious.

"If you say so," I muttered. I took the box as gently as I could and flew upstairs to leave it unopened in the guest room.

When I returned to the lounge, I found everyone chatting with each other happily. Hearing the noisy chatter made our home seem more cosy and warm. I just wanted to watch rather than join in. I leaned against the door, holding my arms. That was when Emmett spied me and nudged Edward. He had the expression of a naughty schoolboy which made me dread whatever was coming next. I went to Edward's side and sat next to him on our spacious sofa.

"You're a newly turned vamp and you're already breaking the furniture, nice one, sis," he smirked at me. Why was breaking furniture a good thing? Unless he thought…oh no.

"Way to go, bro!" he said to Edward holding out his fist expecting Edward to return a brotherly touch with his fist. I glared at Emmett and Edward in turn. Edward was about to reach out his fist but then saw my expression and meekly dropped his hand into his lap. Damn right.

"I owe you an arm wrestling contest, don't I?" I challenged.

"Name the time and place, sweets, I'm ready," he said grinning widely, flashing his pearly white teeth. His smile was like a red rag to a bull.

"Outside, right now," I said through gritted teeth.

In a flurry, everyone was outside ready to watch the action. Emmett pulled up a large rock slab that had been part of our rock garden. Esme sighed as she surveyed the strewn flowers lying on the stone pebbles. She had designed and planted all the flowers herself. The upturned soil released an earthy aroma and I wrinkled my nose as I smelt the muddy clay underneath the top soil.

I had to crouch down to lean onto the slab. Emmett flexed the muscles in his bicep in a poor effort to intimidate me. I deliberately yawned, covering my mouth with one hand, rolling my eyes as I did so.

"Try not to swoon at the gun show, Bells,"

"If by 'swooning' you mean 'laughing my ass off', I'll try my best not to,"

"Ooh, fighting talk. So, if I win, what do I get?" he asked cockily.

"You get to keep all your body parts intact," I replied.

"Whoa! Such a feisty vamp, I wonder if your feisty attitude translates to the bedroom department, eh, Edward?" he said, waggling his eyebrows at Edward and smirking.

Ugh! That was one innuendo too far, especially with my in-laws within earshot; enough was enough. In less than one second I had Emmett in a headlock, which he was desperately trying to wriggle out of. Watching him struggle made me laugh and tighten my grip at the same time. Jasper rushed to my side with a slightly fearful look on his face as if he was approaching a mad woman. He wasn't wrong to take such an approach. I wasn't just mad, I was absolutely livid. If Emmett was going to keep taking cheap shots at me he was going to face the consequences too.

"Apologize right now, Emmett,"

"Err…I would…but need…windpipe…to speak…" he gasped.

I loosened my grip accordingly.

"I'm sorry, Bella,"

"For what?"

"For sounding like a jerk,"

"Anything else?"

"I love you, sis?"

"Oh, shut up," I flustered as I released him from my grip while he grinned mischievously at me.

He had obviously said that for shock value and now Rosalie was glaring at me from the other side of the garden. Great. Like she didn't have reason enough to hate me. Everyone else was giggling under their breath. The sheer oddness of Emmett's remark helped to diffuse the anger and tension in my body.

"When Edward bit her did she turn into a vampire or the Incredible Hulk?" Jasper muttered quietly under his breath to Alice.

She snorted with laughter, and then looked guiltily at me. My anger still hadn't completely dissolved yet. When she spoke she was still looking in my direction as if she knew I was listening.

"The fact that she didn't snap Emmett's head off is to her credit. I can't help admiring this feisty version of Bella,"

"And I can't help admiring you," whispered Jasper into Alice's ear as he wrapped his arms around her.

Okay, I admit that was sweet. They are so cute together. Edward came up behind me and threw his arms around me. He must have noticed me watching Alice and Jasper and didn't want to be outdone in the romance stakes. As if that was even possible. He was Edward Cullen, after all. Why didn't he understand that? I shook my head in disbelief and another thought entered in my mind.

"Did I just lose it then? I mean, it's not like Emmett didn't deserve it but I don't want to be a force of destruction. I've already abused our house furniture; I don't want to hurt people too,"

Edward smoothed his hands down my shoulders to my wrists, trying to ebb my confusion away.

"Bella, that was not losing it. Believe me, I've been there and that was nothing like it," he said darkly, as if remembering some disturbing past memory.

"I'm not the Incredible Hulk then?"

"No. More like my personal Wonder Woman,"

"Okay, so what does that make you?"

"The luckiest guy on the planet,"

"No, silly! You've got to choose a superhero –"

"Batman."

"Wow, you didn't even hesitate. What made you choose Batman?"

"He's flawed and brooding and he's the Goddamn Batman. There's no alternative." He said confidently.

"Okay, Bruce, let's go back to the batcave. I wanna check out your utility belt,"

"Kinky. I'll tell Alfred to clear my schedule for this evening." he smirked.

I hugged my very own version of a superhero closer to me. My superhero, my Edward, my happily ever after.

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_next chapter: Edward and Bella get their freak on._


	8. louder than words

**A/N: ****this is my last chapter. I may return to it at some point but for now I have plans to write about Leah. She deserves a happy ending damnit! And I'm brimming with ideas.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight nor the works of Christina Rossetti**

**WARNING****: Edward and Bella get FREAKY in this chapter. Like headboard-destroying, window-rattling NAST-AY. Click away if it's not your thing. It's really long too – my chapter that is – not anything else wink **

**I've thrown everything but the kitchen sink into this to score some more reviews. Don't let my efforts go to waste! **

**PLEASE REVIEW.**

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**9.27pm**

My much hyped arm wrestle with Emmett never came to fruition in the end. We all hung out just enjoying each other's company. Carlisle helped Edward fix the doorframe while Esme and Rosalie pottered around the garden re-planting the upturned flowers. Emmett watched some football game on the plasma TV with Jasper, hooting and hollering whenever their team scored a touchdown.

I chatted with Alice in the kitchen, discussing my changing; Alice hadn't remembered hers clearly and wanted to know about my experience. The sun had already set by the time they left. The loving warmth of my new family lifted my spirits and thoughts of my clumsiness and temper tantrum had all but disappeared.

I remembered Alice's gift and was upstairs in the guest room, trying to open the box as daintily as I could. It was a solid object with a base that I could hold onto with plastic foam wrapping covering one end. I unwrapped the packaging and set it on the table, a gasp escaping from my lips.

It was a gorgeous, Art Deco, antique glass lamp styled to resemble an opened parasol. The glass was coloured a lush shade of green. I remembered Alice's advice and wondered how much this gift had cost her.

Where would I put it? The only place I had been allowed to decorate – the house had been a surprise for me and was already furnished and decorated when we moved in – had been our bedroom. I had eclectic taste when it came to room décor and I wanted our bedroom to reflect that but I also didn't want it to resemble a cluttered junk shop. I decided to leave the lamp in the guest room. I wrapped it up and put it in the box then went downstairs to search for Edward.

I found him elegantly reclining on the sofa with a book of poetry in his hand. He was reading with a concentrated expression. Only Edward could make reading poetry seem mind-blowingly sexy.

My brain started ticking over with lustful thoughts as I watched him. I wanted Edward more than anything but I still felt a twinge of nerves when I approached him. I was vampire now; would things be different? Better? Worse? I shuddered at the thought. I swallowed my nerves and decided to be brave.

"Hey there, watch ya readin'?" I asked, my voice quavering slightly.

"Christina Rossetti," he replied, glancing up from his book.

"Any good?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Yeah, actually. She's quite insightful," he answered, staring at the open page.

"Oh, well. I'll just be in the bedroom if you need me. Enjoy your reading," I said lightly and walked out the room. I prayed he would take the hint. No sooner had I sped up the stairs, a blurred figure rushed past me and stood in our bedroom doorway, blocking my entrance.

"I think I just found something better to do," he said with a crooked smile and a smouldering look.

In the time it took to think up a reply, Edward was already kissing me passionately. We staggered through the doorway into our large spacious bedroom still locked in our embrace. His lips felt as familiar to me as they always had but at the same time there was something different. I realised that his smooth-as-glass lips weren't ice cold anymore. He felt warm to me. I hugged him closer to me.

My desire began to override the rest of my senses and I pushed him further back into the room and against the wall with a loud thud. The ceiling light swung forcefully back and forth, throwing dancing shadows across the room. He gripped me tightly in his arms as he kissed along my jaw line and throat. There was an urgency to his kisses but I could tell he was holding back slightly, as if he was still afraid of hurting me.

I could remember the first time we made love. Edward was full of tenderness and care every time he touched me. It was like he was holding a butterfly in his hands and had to be mindful not to crush its delicate wings with a careless touch.

But I didn't want to be treated like a fragile creature. I wanted him to love me in the same way I loved him; without restraint or fear. I decided that I would have to take the lead on this.

I began to tug away at the front of his shirt. I carelessly shredded it and dropped the remains to the floor. I ran my hands over the smooth planes of his chest as Edward kissed along my throat.

I leaned my head back, inviting a trail of kisses down to my collarbone. He ran his tongue across my skin, devouring me slowly. My brain had short-circuited completely, my body and mind could only conceive of one thing; Edward.

I felt my way up his neck and threaded my fingers through his hair with both hands. My hands instinctively curled into fists as I waited impatiently for his lips to meet mine.

"Ouch!" was Edward's response muffled against my lips, as one of his hands flew to the back of his head.

He tugged at my hands and I realised that my iron grip was yanking his hair in a way that was rather painful for him.

"Ooh, sorry!" I said, cringing in embarrassment. That was really bad. I'd never made Edward say "ouch" from physical pain before.

"Its okay, Bella, I'm all right," he said, smiling as he placed my hands around his waist.

My head was bowed down as I looked at the floor waiting for it open up and swallow me whole.

"My love, what's the matter?"

"I made you say 'ouch'," I pouted.

He chuckled as he lifted my chin up with his forefinger. I refused to meet his gaze.

"Bella, you can make me say anything you want,"

"But I didn't mean to –"

I was confused. I looked into his eyes and found myself mesmerised by the smouldering expression that was looking back at me. His eyes were darkening with black fire. His words finally began to sink in.

"Oh," was all I could muster as I realised what he was saying. Could I really make him say anything? I wanted to put that theory to the test. My confusion turned to craving.

I greedily reached up for a kiss, to which he responded as he took me in his arms. I couldn't get enough of Edward's kisses and my desire began to cloud over my senses once again. I lurched forward pushing his back into the wall again, causing a faint cloud of dust to crumble from the ceiling. I would have apologised but I was past caring. I guided Edward's hands to my top, imploring him to undress me while we kissed.

He didn't need any more encouragement and ripped my top open with ease. My top and bra flew to the other side of the room in a high arch. I fumbled with his metal belt buckle which had turned to putty in my hands.

"Damn it," I muttered, as his belt was now stuck.

I felt for a belt hole and then wrenched open the leather belt with the sharp edge of my nail, finally loosening the belt around him. He kicked off his trousers while I hastily undid my jeans. I wore just my black panties while Edward stood in his boxer shorts.

I grasped Edward's neck and binded myself to him; wrapping my legs tightly around his waist. Our kisses were becoming more frantic and our hands were flying everywhere at once over each other's bodies.

Edward bent down to my breasts and I could feel his teeth dragging against the sensitive part of my skin as he licked my nipple. That felt _good_. My hips bucked against him as he sucked on my nipple, sending me further into overdrive.

My hand took on a mind of its own and in a vain attempt to steady myself against him, I drove my fist into the wall behind Edward. I pulled my hand out carefully; I felt like I had pushed it into a cushion of crumbly dust. I blew the dust off my knuckles. Edward paused to look at me; half anxious, half in awe.

"Don't you dare stop," I demanded.

His mouth was still partially on my nipple and I felt his warm breath on me as he spoke.

"Okay, but let's try the bed," he suggested, gesturing towards the middle of the room where our bed stood.

"Okay," I agreed.

He walked us over and laid me down onto the bed. He positioned himself over me and I looked up into his glowing amber eyes.

"As you were," I commanded and he obediently returned to my left breast. I caressed his back and drew one of his arms up to my face, kissing each of his elegantly long fingers.

Edward kissed a line down towards my abdomen and I could feel heat gathering and swirling like storm clouds in my centre. He was tentatively venturing towards a place he had never been before when I was human…

In one fluid motion, he turned my body to lie sideways across the bed, with my legs draped over the edge of the bed. On one side of me was the headboard and the other side was the end of the bed. My heart would have been thumping out its chest if it could still beat. I held my breath in anticipation, becoming as still as a statue, staring up at the ceiling, waiting for his next move.

He slowly peeled off my underwear and delicately parted my thighs with a light touch that I could barely feel. I wanted to make sure this was really happening. I drew my eyes away from the ceiling and I looked down to see a crop of tussled bronze hair moving between my thighs.

I shut my eyes tight, scared of what I had just seen. I was scared because I'd never seen anything so erotic in my life. I was scared because I felt like I was about to lose control in a way that would be absolutely shameless and possibly quite embarrassing for me. I had obviously corrupted a beautiful angel into doing wicked acts of carnal pleasure just for my own sinful delight.

And then I felt him.

_Oh my God. _

I gripped the bed sheets and squeezed my already-shut eyes. Electric sparks were running the length of my body, twisting my stomach in a way I could only describe as blissful agony. It felt like lapping waves on a beach shore, each successive wave crashing and building, becoming bigger than the next.

My hips were aching to move against Edward's movements and my legs had a restless energy to squirm in delight but I resisted. I had a bad feeling that any sudden movement could result in me throwing Edward across the room in some misguided attempt to show my pleasure.

My brain was on lockdown, focusing entirely on the heat inside of me. I heard my voice stretch and thicken as I moaned loudly, taking deep breaths to refill my still lungs.

Even though I was resisting from moving, my body was slowly but persistently freeing itself of my mental shackles. My arms began to stretch and reach out into the empty space behind my head. My legs were starting to writhe; my feet were drawing circles in the air.

My left arm reached out to my side and I felt the smooth wooden headboard. I latched onto one of the wooden rails, reducing it to kindling as I crushed it to pieces in my hand. As amazing as Edward felt, I needed and wanted more.

My hips thrust forward to meet him. I felt something dart deep inside me, causing my left leg to kick out spontaneously, sending the bedside table crashing to the floor. My foot also connected with something warm and smooth.

"Agh!" he exclaimed.

I had just kicked Edward in the ribs. Oops. Had the room suddenly shrunk three sizes without me noticing? Why did I feel like I was re-enacting a scene from Godzilla destroying Tokyo? I cringed but Edward just smiled, crawling towards me to meet my lips with a kiss.

"You're not hurt are you?" I asked, worried.

"No, my love. I was about to ask you the same question,"

"Oh, me? I'm fine, it's just…" I trailed off, not sure if I was brave enough to say what I really wanted to.

"What is it, my love?" he said anxiously, trying to read my expression.

"I – I like it…when you're a little…um, rough with me," I blurted out the words, full of embarrassment.

The blissful agony that had nearly sent me over the edge still wasn't quite satisfied. I was craving more of Edward and I needed it right now.

"Oh," he responded. There was a long pause. "Was it not good before?" he asked, with a wounded expression.

"Oh, no no no, I love it when you make love to me," I assured him. "But now I just want…"

"Say it," he pleaded.

I took a deep breath and whispered it quietly, almost inaudibly.

"I need you to fuck me,"

I caught his gaze as I let my words sink in, waiting for his reaction. His jaw was clenched so tight, I wondered if I had just robbed him of the ability to speak. His expression finally softened and changed into something else entirely; pure, unadulterated lust.

"Oh Bella, believe me I want to," he said, his voice thickening; no longer smooth velvet, more a deep seductive growl.

"Then, say it," I implored, staring into his eyes.

I had never heard Edward say the f-word before in my life and an expectant thrill ran through my body as I waited to hear him say it. You could have powered a small country off the tension that was crackling in the room. He kept my gaze and I could see the black fire in his eyes blazing with desire.

"I. Need. To. Fuck. You." He emphasized each word, making his intentions clear.

I came undone by his words. Hearing him say that was almost as good as the real thing. Almost. I pressed my fingers into his shoulder blades in an effort to draw him closer to me. He hungrily kissed every part of my face; my forehead, my brow, along my cheekbone, the soft part underneath my jaw.

"Say it again," I urged him.

"I need to fuck you," he repeated each time he kissed a different part of me, his body grinding against me.

"Then, fuck me, Edward," I said in a quavering voice, as the heat inside me began to boil over.

Without further ado, he lifted me off the bed so that we were standing at the foot of the bed. He spun me round to face away from him. I stared at the empty space in front of me and heard his boxer shorts land on the floor in a soft rumple on the other side of the room.

"Bella, I need you to get down on all fours," he commanded me from behind.

My body was weak with desire and I gracelessly bent down putting my hands out in front of me with my legs apart in silent obedience. Edward knelt down and bent over me with his strong arms coming down on both my sides. I could feel his body close to me, his face resting on my shoulder, his hands close to mine as his large frame dominated me.

He cradled me with one arm and gently guided my hips backwards to meet his. I could feel him enter the liquid softness of my own body. I had never felt him inside me from this angle before and I couldn't stop the shivers of excitement from running through me as we started to rock back and forth slowly.

The desire had turned into some kind of delirium. Nothing made sense anymore. I felt like crying and laughing at the same time. Such an odd mix of emotions. Edward seemed to be everywhere at once; inside me, on top of me, underneath me. I could feel Edward's jagged breaths tickling my ear. I could feel every curve of his muscle tense and flex as we moved together. His familiar smell was sweet and musky.

He cupped my breasts roughly, feeling them sway to the rhythm of our bodies. I could hear him moan huskily into my ear which turned me on even more. I couldn't control my response as I became louder and more urgent. Our neighbours were bound to hear us. Anyone within a ten mile radius would have heard us.

I cried out loudly as Edward's hand travelled past my breasts towards my thighs that were pressed against his. The bliss and agony were at war with each other. I was satisfied and yet crying out for more. Edward clamped his hand over my mouth to hold in my screams that were violently rattling the windows. I silently screamed into his hand while he bent his face down to mine, gently shushing me, trying to soothe me.

I was grateful that Edward was dominating me because I couldn't seem to master my strength or my reactions to anything. If I was in charge, I would have smashed the house to pieces by now. I was a caged animal thrashing wildly behind the cage bars and Edward had to tame me. He asserted his hold over me by gripping me securely to his chest with one arm, still making soothing noises in my ear.

I looked down to stare at the pattern in the carpet. I needed to focus on breathing regularly. However, I could barely remember my name, so focused was I on the pleasure flooding through my body, like rolling ocean waves. Each thrust became harder and faster, he didn't have to worry about hurting me anymore.

"Uh…uh, tell me Bella, is this how you like it?" he said, pounding into me.

"Uh, huh," I grunted, as he released his hand from my mouth.

"Then come for me, Bella," he ordered.

"Make me!" I cried out defiantly.

He growled deeply in his throat and his movements became rougher, more frenetic. I smiled triumphantly and pushed back my hips harder to meet each thrust.

The floorboards underneath us creaked and groaned with the motion of our bodies. But we didn't stop. We couldn't stop. I grunted with the force of Edward's thrusts, which were rattling my bones. Had I been human; he would have knocked all breath out of me right now. Luckily, I could lose my breath and not worry about the consequences.

My hands were firmly planted on the floor. I reached up with one hand with the intention to stroke Edward's face which rested on my shoulder. However, a powerful thrust from Edward made me lose my grip on the carpet and I slammed forward to hit the floor.

"Oof!"

"Are you okay?" He panted.

"Yeah," I groaned.

I stayed flat on the floor with our bodies still connected and Edward continuing to move inside me with inhuman speed.

"Oh, that feels good," I murmured as I felt a sensitive part of my lower body pressing into the floor.

There was an added sensation of the floorboards that I could feel vibrating underneath me from our movements while Edward lay on top of me, thrusting hard.

A lamp on the other side of the room clattered noisily to the floor and the wardrobe doors shook ferociously. The ceiling light began to swing again, bringing back the dancing shadows. The entire room seemed to be resonating with every movement and feeling we had for each other.

In one sudden moment, I felt as if I had been plunged into ice cold water. My whole body convulsed as a curious icy sensation cascaded through me like a beautiful waterfall. I had never felt such a thing before and I let out a long satisfied moan when I finally realised what was happening to me. I was drowning in euphoria while the world was drifting away from me on an endless ocean.

Everything started to turn black until I heard a voice in the distance calling to me. I opened my eyes and heard him saying my name clearly now, like a lighthouse guiding me to safer shores.

"Bella,"

He lifted me onto my hands and knees once more, holding me in place, and nuzzling my neck as we rocked together, this time more gently, in a way that felt close and intimate. I could feel him smiling into my shoulder as he said my name. He shuddered as he came forcefully, calling out my name one last time in a strangled moan. In the blink of an eye we were lying in bed together.

I lifted his body on top of me and cradled him in my arms. At last I was able to take his weight and hold him close to me in a way I had never been able to before. His head was nestled in my chest as I stroked his soft copper hair. Edward was the first to break the silence.

"I think we have some tidying up to do," he said.

"And a new lamp to buy," I replied, looking at the broken lamp.

Something clicked into place like a missing jigsaw piece in my brain.

"Alice…a new lamp…oh God," I buried my face in my hands.

"What is it, Bella? What's wrong?"

"Your sister is what's wrong. She knew we needed a new lamp. I don't know who to be more embarrassed for; me or her. Can vampires die of embarrassment?"

Edward laughed.

"Not that I know of. She probably wanted to be helpful and foresee any more breaks like the coffee table only she saw a little more than she wanted to," he started laughing again. "But don't worry, love, she won't be bothered about it,"

"Well, thank goodness for that," I sighed.

"I don't want to bring out an old cliché but how was it for you?" he asked earnestly, turning his head to look at me.

"The earth moved for me. Literally." I laughed. "Not that I want to bring out an old cliché,"

"That's good to hear; I think you almost passed out at one point,"

"Yeah,"

I absentmindedly twisted a lock of his copper hair between my fingers.

"Hey, there's one good thing about being a vampire," I said.

"What?" he asked.

"No carpet burns," I smirked.

"That's a definite plus point," he responded.

Does it really feel like that when you…?" my voice trailed off but he knew what I was referring to.

"Only when I'm with you," he said, holding me close.

"Oh, Of course, you're Edward Cullen after all,"

"That I am," he said, a brilliant smile lighting up his angelic face.

"So this was better than reading poetry?" I teased.

"My love, that doesn't even need an answer but if you'll oblige me, may I reply in the words of my favourite poet?" he asked.

"Sure," I replied, smiling broadly. Only Edward could have memorised his favourite poetry by heart.

"_As the delicate rose_

_To the sun's sweet strength,_

_Doth herself unclose,_

_Breadth and length;_

_So spreads my heart to thee_

_Unveiled utterly,_

_I to thee_

_Utterly."_

"And in plain English?" I asked.

"I love you."

His words linked together around my heart.

"And I love you always."

Always and forever.

* * *


End file.
